The White Owners’ Fourteen Commandments

By Jim Crank


  1. Covet not the chariots of Stanley for they are not sound. Though fleet of foot, they will not carry thee far as will thy White.

  2. Worship not the chariots of gasoline. For verily, they are but insects beneath the wheels of thy White, lest they be named Pierce-Arrow or other nobles of royal birth.

  3. See always that thy well of water be full and bright lest thee be reduced to wading in brooks and streams with cup in hand, as a beggar in the marketplace.

  4. Fill always thy flask of slippery oil, lest thy fiery chariot screech to a halt on the path and thou be left standing alone, with thumb extended.

  5. Attend always the little sacred flame beneath thy seat, that it burneth blue and bright. Verily should it sputter and die, thy chariot will halt on the path and thou be commanded to mess with sooty metals whilst muttering curses to the gods and applying strong ointments to they singed fingers.

  6. Drain always the odorous water which standeth in thy crankcase, lest the little balls therein take flight, scattering to the winds as the locusts before the storm.

  7. Gaze often at thy pyrometer that thy vapor be always hot and thy wondrous power always potent. For lo, should thy steam became damp, they White shall suffer grievously and thou shalt be passed by Fords.

  8. Race not with other chariots nor speed mightily thy White. Verily, I say unto thee, if treated with care it will, like the camel, carry thee far to wondrous lands.

  9. Revere always the teachings in thy owner’s handbook and thy Edmundson’s manual. Forsooth, for they are the true words of the prophets. Listen not to those of other faiths, for verily they have not the true word nor the power to see clearly.

  10. Alter not thy heavenly White nor its inner workings. For the wrath of Rollin White shall surely smite thee and thy fiery chariot shall go no more. Thou thenst shall be standing desolate rending thy garments. Thou wilt be driven from the temple and thy friends, who are true believers, will shun thee until thou makest great sacrifices and restoreth thy White to wholeness. Thy purse will then be much lighter from dealing with greedy traders from foreign lands.

  11. Harken ye to these words of the ancient prophets: "Thy White be robust and strong; but if it has sickened, look unto thine own faults. For surely thou hast not ministered unto it properly." Thou needest study more to understand thy marvelous chariot. For lo, thy White was created by wondrous minds, exceeded only by those men called Doble.

  12. Yea verily! Thy White will sorely test thee over and over again, oft wrenching tears of rage from thine eyes. If thou must have temper tantrums, do so behind the veils of thine own temple and not in the streets where thy fearful oaths shall frighten the horses and cause the barking of many dogs.

  13. Forsooth, I say unto thee, never, never, profane unto thy White, for it has the memory of elephants and will recall they blasphemy. Truly it shall take heed of thy wrath and shall balk as the mule on the path, leak water as a timorous maiden and otherwise cause thee great anguish before thy friends, as on a national tour.

  14. If thou must be parted from thy White, thou are charged to see that it is received into friendly hands. For verily, thou hast a rare and precious gem such is seldom found throughout the kingdom. Shouldst thou peddle it to a knave of devious origin because his purse is large, then the ghosts of White shall haunt thee forevermore.